Confessions of an Egocentric Schizophrenic

All of my life I have been caught in between 2 different worlds. My mother was raised in rural Wyoming on a ranch in the middle of nowhere. My dad was the son of a well to do Lumber Baron in Wisconsin. My dad always wanted a son, but he got 2 girls instead . My sister and I were raised in the South with parents not from the South. All of you southerners know what this means. I was a tomboy ,but not good at sports ,I liked boys,but was not attractive ,I liked girl stuff ,makeup,clothes,going to the mall, but I could never quite be giggly and cute.I could go on ,but you get the picture. I never quite fit in anywhere.

When I was young my grandmother would try to get me to sit still and act like a lady,be polite, and wear a dress. Now how can you stand on your head in a dress and be polite and lady like ?? I was sent to ballet to learn grace and restraint. I found a note after my mom died that was written by my ballet instructor.She said I needed to learn to control my exuberance and have better concentration.I probably would have been medicated in school today.I had a poem written about me that was basically about a square peg in a round hole. At that age though I was not concerned about acceptance.

We moved to an Upper Middle Class neighborhood when I was a teenager. I struggled here as well. I enjoyed my girl friends, we went skating and to the mall ,but I liked to fish ,hike in the woods ,and climb trees as well. I tried to fit in but I was tall and lanky and not very girlish. I tried sports but coordination was not my strong point. I did well in swimming but quit when a friend told me it would make my shoulders big.I just couldn't find my niche.I did well in school but not excellent (that goes back to my problem concentrating).

I still struggle. My upbringing was you were nobody if you weren't somebody. "Somebody" being measured by what you had. A nice house in a good neighborhood,nice cars,good clothes(name brand),etc. I communicate and socialize with these people , all in all , I feel more comfortable with them. I also socialize with and belong to the "nobodies". Which is basically everyone else in the world.

My "nobody" half is the happiest. I enjoy being outside and digging in the dirt. I don't mind living in the tiny trailer with a leaky roof as long as I can get outside.I love my animals and my countrified husband.I like being able to do for myself. I like drinking beer with my friends..Then my "somebody" side asserts itself and I feel ashamed of my living conditions. My high school friends would be appalled at living in a trailer (My sister is). I should go further in debt and have a nice house,white collar husband, drink wine and lay by the pool. Either life I would be missing the other.

Hope I didn't offend with the "Nobody" label but since I am egocentric it really doesn't matter since its all about me anyway.